An adult daughter struggles to come to terms with her the fact that her father has started dating someone else after her mom died and asks for advice on how to handle it when widowed parents start dating. Jessica offers ideas on how to accept that he’s dating without stopping her own grieving process.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
When widowed parents start dating
HEY JESSICA: My mom passed away, unexpectedly, about six months ago. It has, of course, been a really hard transition for all of us. But a few weeks ago, my siblings and I got a big surprise when my dad announced that he has been dating a woman and that it has gotten “serious enough” that he would like to bring her to our next family gathering – a birthday party for one of his grandkids. My brothers and I are really upset by his starting to date so quickly as we feel like it disrespects my mom’s memory. We are also super uncomfortable with the idea of meeting this woman at a big family event like a birthday party. How can we tell our dad about our discomfort with his dating and that we don’t want her at the party without it turning it into a big fight? ~Devastated Daughter
DEAR DEVASTATED DAUGHTER:
First of all, my condolences on the sudden loss of your mom. My heart goes out to you and your whole family as you navigate this difficult and emotional time. As I think you are seeing first-hand, one of the things that can be so challenging at a time like this is that different people respond in different ways and at their own pace, and understanding other people’s reactions and timing can be really hard when you yourself are processing your own emotions and going through your own grief process.
While it may not be what you want to hear, the truth is that your dad is a grownup and, even though you may be feeling like he is moving on at lightning speed, his reentry into the dating world is (anecdotally) not really outside of the norm in situations like this. It is also important to remember that his starting to date is very likely not an expression of his feelings about the loss of your mom, but rather a response to the loneliness that he is experiencing.
That said, though, you and your siblings are also grownups and also have the right to grieve in the timeline that works for you. So, what we need to do in a situation like this is work to communicate as honestly and lovingly as we can in order to reach a compromise that will work for everyone.
I would recommend that you start by sharing your concerns, while also offering a sense of understanding. Depending on how communication works best in your family, this may be a conversation all of you siblings have together with your dad; or it may be that there is one sibling who would do this best, in which case that person might be on deck for this stage of the process. I would start by explaining that, while you understand that he has probably been feeling lonely and in need of companionship, the fact that he is dating at all (let alone seeing someone seriously) has come as a surprise to you all and has been difficult to accept as you are still moving through your grieving process. They key here is to express compassion for his needs, while also making him aware of how this change in his life impacts you and your siblings.
Then, I would try to assess how serious this relationship really is and what his goal in bringing her to this specific event is.– In other words, does he want to bring her to this big family party because it would be a convenient way to meet a bunch of family at once? Because he wants her to become part of the family? Because she is putting pressure on him to meet you all? Because he’s excited to share this new part of his life with everyone?
Finally, I would explain that while you understand that everyone grieves in their own way and you are glad that he has found something (someone) that helps him to navigate this process, you and your siblings are not at a stage in your grieving process where bringing someone new into the family feels right. If one or all of you can stomach it, you could offer up a compromise: meeting for a meal with just your dad, his new partner, and the siblings. This gives him the opportunity to introduce her to his children (which clearly matters to him) without it being a big event that involves grandchildren, spouses, extended family, and friends.
These transitions are so challenging, but if you handle the situation with compassion and an open heart, I am confident that you will find a way through where all of you can have your needs met.